Earl is an LA-born actor/improviser that wants desperately to be loved. Hah, not really. He'll eat all your leftovers if you're not careful. He's done it before. Tweets at @earl_baylon. Earl Baylons at earlbaylon.com. Tumblrs at Nerdoholic.


Happy Lunar New Year, everyone!  I figured, it being the Year of the Horse, it would be appropriate to take a look back at some of the baddest-ass fictional equines in fictional equine history.  Hell yeah, horses!


1. Artax (The Neverending Story)


Well, come to think of it… Artax is only badass by association.  Unfortunately, he’s not as cool as Falkor, the luck dragon.  All his badass exploits happen offscreen as part of Atreyu’s backstory. Plus, he died in the Swap of Sorrows because he got too sad.  He literally sadded to death.  Not so badass.

Ok, nevermind.  Moving on.

Badass Horse scale:
0.5 horseshoes


2. Swiftwind/Spirit (She-Ra)


Ah, Swiftwind, noble steed of She-Ra, Princess of Power. I was debating whether or not Swiftwind should make it on this list, as technically he’s a flying unicorn. But, in his non-Greyskull enhanced form, he’s called Spirit.  He’s a talking horse, a talking horse with the balls to take on Hordak’s troopers, but a regular talking horse, nonetheless.  His feats as Swiftwind, however, are too great to ignore.  He’s super strong, telepathic, and boasts super-speed.  I mean, in one episode, he busts a Superman and turns back time by flying in the opposite direction of Etheria’s rotation.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, he could probably give Battle Cat a walloping, 6 times out of 10.

Badass Horse scale:
4.0 horseshoes


3. Thirty/Thirty (Bravestarr)


Thirty/Thirty is Marshall Bravestarr’s sentient cyborg horse.  Thirty/Thirty has the ability to transform between quadriped and biped forms, depending on the situation.  He is approximately as strong as Marshall Bravestarr’s “Strength of a Bear” form, which means he’s able to live large boulders with ease.  He’s also a crack shot with his energy rifle, whom he lovingly refers to as “Sara Jane.”  Also, he’s named after the .30-30 Winchester cartridge.

Badass Horse scale:
4.5 horseshoes


4. Shadowfax (Lord of the Rings)


Shadowfax, Lord of the Mearas, a breed of wild horses.  As long-lived as men, and having superior intelligence and strength when compared to their normy horse brethren, the mearas were the only choice for legendary heroes like Gandalf the White and Theoden, King of Rohan.  And as mentioned, Shadowfax was lord of them all.  Shadowfax served as steed to Gandalf through many historic events of Arda’s Third Age.  You can tell from the movies, that if you’re in the company of Gandalf, you’re gonna see some shit. That, Shadowfax has.  From Nazgul to Haradrim, Trolls to Uruk-hai, to riding on the Black Gate itself – Shadowfax has seen some shit, and has stood relatively emotionless in the face of it all.  I’m pretty sure Shadowfax wouldn’t get sad to death.

Badass Horse scale:
3.5 horseshoes


5. Epona (Legend of Zelda)


We first met Epona in the N64 classic, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.  Ever since then, a Legend of Zelda title sans Epona has felt a little bit empty.  Epona is just your everday super-loyal steed to Link, the Hero of Time.  Oh that’s it eh?  Just the one loyal friend to the man-elf thing that’s destined to save the world(s)?  I guess you’re special, Epona.  Talk about seeing some shit, Epona’s been kidnapped by Skull Kid and has run headlong into battle with Ganondorf himself.  Really, while you serve little more than a mode of transportation in most of the games, you still make traipsing through danger-ridden Hyrule that much more enjoyable.

Badass Horse scale:
3.5 horseshoes


6. Agro (Shadow of the Colossus)


Wander, you odd, lonely boy.  What would you do without your fearless stallion?  You’d most certainly get crushed.  Trust me… we spent a few restarts discovering that ourselves.  Talk about always there when you need her, that’s Agro.  You can leave Agro on the extreme opposite side of the world.  But whisper her name, and she’ll be at your side, lickety-split.  That, and she rides in between, under, and around giant stone pillar Colossus legs like they were overgrown maypoles.  Agro’s like, 200ft long sky-snake thing?  No problem.  Feed me an apple.

Why you hiding behind me, Wander?

Badass Horse scale:
4.0 horseshoes


7. Sleipnir (Norse Mythology)



Mount of Odin, the All-Father, offspring of Loki, best horse amongst all of gods and men.  That’s Sleipnir.  Oh, did I forget?  He has 8 legs.  Yes, that’s double the normal limb allotment for the Equus genus. The practical implications of that?  I have no idea.  But holy shit, it’s a demigod spider-horse.   It’s a demigod spider-horse that has carried the All-Father to Hel and back.  Also, according to the Thor movie, he allows Odin to make spectacularly corlorful bifrost entrances to save his son’s ass on Jotunheim.   +1 to badass for needing double the amount of iron for shoes.

Badass Horse scale:
5.0 horseshoes

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *