I love food. (Isn’t it obvious?) Well, to be more accurate, I love eating. But, too, I love to cook. Maybe it goes back to my love of science, of biology, chemistry, and physics. Because, really, that’s what cooking is. It’s practical application of science to create omnomnoms. It’s the way different ingredients (reagents) interact with the application of controlled heat. I guess then, that cooks are scientists! I’m a biologist, so it makes sense. Well, anyone that has the pleasure (or obligation) of following me on Instagram will notice just how much food porn I post, the great bulk of which I produce in my own kitchen. For real, every meal is plated on one of three different dishes… no lie.
Yesterday, I had a random food-thought pop into my mind as I debated re-reading Dragonlance Chronicles – the details of which will be intimated later in this post. The important part, at the moment, is that it it got me thinking about all the wonderful fictional foods that are made to sound so damn good in the books I read, games I play, and tv shows or movies I watch. Thus, today’s article was born.
I should say that I was rather strict with my classication of foodstuffs. Each of these items had to be a consumable that was meant primarily as a source of nourishment, so it either had to quell hunger, or slake thirst. That means it couldn’t be something that was primarily medicinal, performance enhancing, or psychotropic (so no Final Fantasy elixirs, or SMB power mushrooms, or Legend of Zelda red potion). Secondly, it can’t be something that is readily available in it’s final form through any major distribution channel… except for number 6, because I can’t just go get it at Walgreens later. Well, and number 4, maybe, but that stuff in the stores isn’t real, right? Got it? Here we go!
Top 6 Fictional Foods I Will Consume (or have already done so)
6. Butterbeer (Harry Potter)
Butterbeer is probably one of the reasons that Prisoner of Azkaban is my favorite book of the series, aside from all the timey-wimey stuff. Every time J.K Rowling wrote about butterbeer, I could just feel that icy, cold, butterscotchy goodness hit my lips and run past my teeth and down my gullet. While yes, I’ve been to a butterbeer party before (yes, I admit it, and so will serveral other Agents of GUARD), I just feel like, it’s always fallen a bit short of expectation. My quest continues. I suppose, I shall try one of these recipes next:
5. Mudder’s Milk (Firefly/World of Warcraft)
Two of my favorite franchises feature this fictional brew, and that was enough to make it on the list. Also, I felt like the nigh-excessive sweetness of butterbeer needed to tempered with something with a significant alcohol content. Yes. Originally showing up in the Jaynestown episode of Firefly, it has also made its way into the World of Warcraft lexicon, as a limited time digital brew that’s only available during the annual WoW Brewfest.
4. Scooby Snacks (Scooby-doo)
After many years of waiting, Scooby Snacks actually hit the market as… vanilla wafers. What a disappointment. I mean, if you grew up watching the adventures of the Mystery Machine crew, like I did, you knew that Scooby Snacks were some good shit. Think about it this way, Scooby Snacks were so good, that both Scooby and Shaggy would disregard all possible danger to their respective persons, in exchange for these bite-sized treats. What food out there, that you know of, is so good that you would risk never seeing another sunrise for one mouthful? I suppose sometimes, they were promised 3 or more treats if it was especially dangerous. But really, they must have tasted how q-tips in your ears feels… or they’re laced with heroin. Is ingestion even a viable delivery method for heroin? I don’t know. Speaking of delivery methods:
3. Neverfood (Hook)
Bangarang! I love Hook. Really, I do. I mean, I re-watched it about a year ago, and it was still pretty awesome. Other movies from that era have not faired quite as well. The most traumatic line ever: “Looky looky, I got Hooky.” Why? Well, because immediately after, I watched Rufio, a kid around my age, and of the same ethnicity, get stabbed in the chest and die. It was almost as bad Optimus Prime turning grey. But, I choose to remember the happy times he had as the leader of the Lost Boys, like the food fight. While, I understand that “Neverfood” is just a general term for all the imagined food in Neverland, I’m using it to refer to the multi-colored meringue/ganache/mousse/fluff stuff that gets flung around during this aforementioned scene:
What is that stuff? It looks effin delicious! Alas, my efforts to find a recipe were in vain. But I suppose I could try and get a hold of Rufio himself and ask him if he remembers what was in the prop food from a movie made over 20 years ago.
2. Lembas (Lord of the Rings)
Loved by short people? Wrapped in a leaf? Substantial enough to fuel a man through a day’s march? My ancestors and I call it bibingka. Well… so it’s a little different from the Elven version. It doesn’t last nigh-indefinitely. It doesn’t necessarily taste of honey, and it’s more of a cake, rather than a flatbread. But, it’s close enough I suppose. By the way, since we’re talking about bibingka: go here. You’ll thank me, I promise. I was looking through recipes, and basically, it’s a medieval fantasy Cliff Bar. All the same, it sounds positively scrumptious. I don’t know what Sam and Frodo were complaining about. And imagine, a brace of coneys over lembas and gravy. Fantastic.
1. Otik’s Spiced Potatoes (Dragonlance)
Now, we come to it: My most wanted fictional food of all time. It was the thought of this dish that spawned the idea for this article. Otik’s Famous Spiced Potatoes from the Dragonlance series of D&D books. From the moment I picked up these books when I was 10 years old, I was hooked. I read every piece of printed material I could find about the Companions, the Heroes of the Lance. I mourned the deaths, celebrated in the victories, and felt the dread of the Dark Queen’s return. And every so often, when we would get a chance to revisit the Inn of the Last Home, set upon a mighty Vallenwood in the little town of Solace, it felt a little bit like home. What made it feel like home? – the mention of this dish, served with a hunk of bread and a flagon of ale. And also the innkeeper’s adopted daughter, I suppose. Either way, I’ve always wanted to know, wanted to experience these famous potatoes. I found a recipe, which actually came from the annotated version of the books, and threw in a bit of my own flair, and it was awesome. For Solace!
Spoo, of Babylon 5 and Masters of the Universe fame – too bad it’s made from worms. Blech.
Ambrosia, of Greek Mythology fame – approxmiated by my college roommate’s mother’s date nut bread.