I’ve always considered horror movies to be a source of fun entertainment as opposed to the catalyst of what goes bump in the night. The best sub-genre of horror that exemplifies this sort of entertainment is your basic “Slasher” horror flick which generally features a psychopathic killer stalking/killing its prey with various tools and/or methods. The king that towers above the rest however will forever be Mr. Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th franchise. Although he hasn’t always been the killer in ALL his flicks (uno y cinco), every film guaranteed a cornucopia of kills that feature disturbing, disgusting and downright hilarious kills. Are we laughing at the concept of death in general? I’d like to think not, rather it’s the creativity and/or irony of the death scenes that take a serious situation such as death and brings it back to the roots of what these movies are made for in the first place; entertainment! Prepare to grin for a bit while looking past the bloody goodness.
10. She made QUITE the impression (Friday the 13th Part 6)
So we start off this countdown in typical Friday the 13th fashion; meaning a pair of teenagers are at it again with some P-to-the-V action (ask an adult if confused), in an RV when they decide to race off after discovering that their power chord was severed. Of course the ever crafty Jason Voorhees is already in the RV and at this point death is pretty imminent for both teens and goes after the lady first (naturally) by smashing her head into a mirror with such force that an impression of her terrified face is morphed from outside the RV! Impossible? Absolutely, but the absurdity of Voorhees inspired “Still Life” sculptures still make me laugh.
9. Toxic Waste Jacuzzi! (Friday the 13th Part 8)
It’s pretty common and almost expected that a DOUCHE of a person has to be present for most of a slasher flick. In this case, it’s the uncle of the heroine who induced her drowning trauma at a young age. He sticks around for most of the flick being a pain in the ass when they finally land in Manhattan and Jason takes care of him in stereotypical New York fashion; dunking him in to a vat of what seems to be toxic waste/sewage/ooze. Of course right? New York is just filled with barrels of chemicals in dark alleyways! I always thought as a kid that it was the same ooze that gave us our beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Maybe the uncle didn’t die and he roams the streets as SUPER DOUCHE!
8. Look what I can do babe! (Friday the 13th Part 3)
Few things in life are more satisfying than watching someone showing off, only to FAIL seconds later. This goes off that principal when a cocky gentleman decided to show off in front of his gal pal by walking on his hands and Jason decided that it was the perfect time to drive a sharp object between his legs and slice him in half! Oh if this kind of fate was inevitable to every Mountain Dew chugging, Famous Stars and Strap wearing, gorilla chest thumping fellow, our species as humans would most likely get stronger!
7. Jason’s Inner child dies like a PANSY (Friday the 13th Part 8)
Sorry Mr. Voorhees, you are SO not exempt from this list. If you remember your little skirmish in Manhattan, you’d remember that your defeat came in the form of toxic sludge melting your demonic ass within the sewers of the city. That’s fine. What’s funny though was when you for some God awful reason reverted back to your inner doofy child shaking like a salt shaker and making the audience feel some sort of pity for you. Me? I was cracking up that this is how you went out, like a little pansy instead of your more epic deaths like a drowning in the hands of a telekinetic or being chopped up by Corey Feldman. Extra points if you know which movies those events happened WITHOUT looking it up!
6. EYE think this is Hilarious! (Friday the 13th Part 3)
So in the height of the 3D craze (which we’re currently in the second coming of), horror movies played a huge role with great scenes such as the one in this flick. Nothing too funny with the setup, with Mr. Voorhees sneaking behind an unsuspecting gentleman and proceeds to squeeze his head until, yes, his eyeball comes popping out in 3D goodness! Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to witness this in glorious 3D, but I can only imagine a time when the concept of things popping out of the screen was still fairly new and all of a sudden you have an eyeball popping out at you! I could imagine myself carrying a bag of peeled grapes after knowing about this scene and throwing them at my pals right when the eyeball popped out! Fantastic!
5. SMILE! (Friday the 13th Part 6)
Out of all the Friday the 13th flicks, I’d say the sixth installment was the most SILLY. This was probably because the world was so giddy to have Jason Voorhees back after the CRAP-FEST that was Part 5 which featured a (spoiler alert!) fake Voorhees. Thanks to some tinkering with his grave, lightning caused him to not only reanimate but it seemed like this Jason had even MORE strength, invincibility and unfortunately for the campers, cruelty (fortunate for us though). This kill has Jason smashing a guy’s head into a tree and an impression of a bloody smiley face was left on a tree. See folks? Silly. But I was cracking up because it was like an old friend happy to be back home.
4. The Hippy went Bananas! (Friday the 13th Part 4)
Maybe it’s my distaste for hippies, annoying broads or bananas but this scene pretty much sticks it to all three. We have your hippy promoting love but also telling drivers to F*ck off if they didn’t share her beliefs (listen up hipsters) but she decided to take a potassium break and enjoy and nice banana…NOT on Jason’s watch! He proceeds to kill her off as the banana squeezed out of her hand in dramatic fashion. Next time you see some hipster mouthing off about a band you’ve never heard of; picture them eating a banana, then look behind them and imagine a pissed off Jason Voorhees. You’re welcome.
3. Sleeping Bag HOMERUN (Friday the 13th Part 6 and Jason X)
A gag TOO good to be used just once! Pretty simple really; first, ensure a person is snug inside of a sleeping bag. Second, use your demonic super strength to swing the sleeping bag like a bat against a tree (preferably maple, even a good pine tree will do)! Third, proceed to repeat if you find it satisfying. Jason Voorhees if you remember was a special needs child who was taken from this world at a young age. I always thought this was a way to re kindle his lost childhood but was confused or not aware of the rules of baseball. Swing away Jason, swing away.
2. He be ROLLIN’! (Friday the 13th Part 2)
As with a lot of things on this list, sometimes it’s all about the esthetics of kill that make you crack up. Case in point our friend in a wheelchair that was given a mighty blow to the head via machete courtesy of Mr. Voorhees and proceeded to roll down a flight of stairs, machete still firmly in place. I can only imagine Benny Hill music playing in the background as the wheelchair hobbled down the stairs in the rain with a body that had a machete sticking out of it like a sort of like a birthday candle on an already perfect cake. It shows Jason has no sense of prejudice in him; anyone is a potential victim, even the physically handicapped!
1. And he’s DOWN for the count! (Friday the 13th Part 8)
This is the scene that embodies both the situational AND esthetic hilarity that makes this series so entertaining! What’s a guy to do? He’s being stalked by the Jason Voorhees in the middle of Manhattan; so naturally, one would run inside a tall building and dash to the rooftop right? Wait no, that’s a horrible idea because we forget that Mr. Voorhees has slasher powers and can get to the same rooftop in half the time. So now you’re cornered with some athletic ability and some boxing skills shown earlier in the movie, so what do you do? You box. You box your little heart out on top of a building with the epitome of demon fueled slasher RAGE. The poor chap tires himself out and now it’s Jason’s turn and he does so with one swift punch that decapitates his victim! Absolutely beautiful and hilarious.
There you go folks! Next time you find yourself in the middle of scary slasher flick, learn to appreciate the types of kills that are going on and find the irony and humor in each one to circumvent any sort of fear you might have in the future!
I liked the raft kill in part 4. Not so much because the kill itself was that ingenious but the face she pulled was awesome: http://www.ugo.com/movies/every-friday-the-13th-kill-sam