September 26th through Friday October 4th, 2013
Weeksauce brings you all the news in geekery, genre fiction, and nerdy celebrities you may have missed this week while you were hanging out with the Trash Can Man up at that loony bin in Terre Haute. With a huge heaping dose of snark and more than a little yellow journalism, Weeksauce is here to educate/patronize you and the things you love.
Contains minor spoilers for the 2nd episode of Agents of SHIELD, “0-8-4”
Movies
Elizabeth Olsen is Scarlet Witch
While chatting to the relatively unheard of publication, ‘The Wall Street Journal,” actor and asskick dispenser Samuel L. Jackson let slip a bit of juicy news: the role of “Scarlet Witch” in the Avenger’s sequel had been cast. Director Joss Whedon had mentioned months ago that “Avengers 2: Hulk Kills Everyone Again,” would add new characters, a pair of which would be mutant brother/sister duo Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch. According to Samuel L. Jackson, the chick cramming herself into the weird but oddly sexy costume pictured above would be none other than Elizabeth Olsen. Though her wikipedia page would like to remind you that she’s famous for such pictures as “Liberal Arts” (co-starring Ted from “How I Met Your Mother”) and “Silent House,” you actually know her because she’s the younger sister of the Olsen twins.
Don’t stress though – she’s a fine actress. Nominated for a grip of awards, lauded at Cannes and Sundance, Elizabeth Olsen has taken the indie pathway on the literal opposite end of the spectrum from Mary-Kate and Ashley. Why is a pathway on a spectrum? Because mixed metaphors are straight gangster, son.
Scarlet Witch is a fairly D-list superhero – don’t feel like you’ve lost burgeoning geek cred if you’re not familiar with her. She’s the daughter of X-Men foe Magneto, and her powers are on the squiffier end of the superpower buffet table – she can control “probability fields.” This is usually interpreted by writers as “magic.” She’s the Avengers swiss army knife, their Green Lantern, if you will. She has the power to do whatever the backed-into-the-corner writer needs her to do. Despite that, she’s likely been added to the cast because right now Avengers Tower is sausage city. It’s Oktoberfest. There’s too many wangs, is what I’m saying. Wang means penis. Dicks.
Video Games
GTA V Offline
Grand Theft Auto V, cultural phenomenon and heist simulator, recently unveiled its new multiplayer mode, Grand Theft Auto Online. Unfortunately, it immediately broke and crashed and now everyone is all sad. Reports of network failure have been pouring into every news outlet: servers are constantly dropping, and the pipeline is so clogged with people that the wait times to play are excruciating. Even when players did manage to get online, the problems didn’t end. Fellow characters disappeared (or sometimes just their arms or legs did), quests were dropping, the sheep was laying with the lion, the birds swam in the ocean depths, and lo there was a great cacophany as Gabriel blew the horn that cracked perdition open like a sea otter who really fucking loves abalone.
To Rockstar’s credit, they quickdrew patches and updates and fixes as soon as the excrement hit the air circulation systems. They disabled the in-game real-money purchases, because they didn’t want people spending actual currency on a broken product. They’re also promising a big patch today that should clear up a lot of the problems. Plus, if there’s a silver lining to this story, it’s this: maybe you can’t play with buddies, but you can always head on over to Los Santos and play a pretty amazing single player experience.
Except for Trevor. What a terrible character. Just, like. The worst. Potentially ever.
Television
Ours is The Fury
I’m going to be honest, I’ve mislead you. Though ’tis true that Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD has returned to the small screen, it was sadly without David Von Hasselhoff. In the latest episode of Agents of SHIELD, lovable everyguy Phil Coulson gets a reaming from his boss, Nick Fury. Fury is pissed (heh) about the damage bill Coulson is running up, which is about a 7.9 on the Riggs-Murtaugh Scale. It’s a nice, energizing moment, giving Coulson a dimension beyond “adorable woobie.” He’s a company man, and his boss is sticking it in and breaking it off.
Jackson’s scene, right at the tag of the show, was supposed to be a secret. However, sharp-eyed nerds noticed that during the promo for this week’s episode, the SHIELD logo that flashed up momentarily had an eye patch on it. Whether Jackson will have a recurring role, or will just be the “hey, that’s cool” guy at the end of the credits remains to be seen.
Unfortunately for Agents of SHIELD (and for me, it makes me sad), Agents lost 35% of its audience from last week. Now, everyone was expecting a drop, but this was a sizable chunk. Many blame NCIS, which aired its “Goodbye to Zeva” episode against SHIELD. The much-hyped episode ushered out long-time face punching main character Zeva David, and snagged over double the numbers that SHIELD did.
Sidebar: I like the show, so don’t take this as a slam on the whole works – does anyone think it was a bad choice to have the technobabble delivered by two characters with impenetrable accents? Just something my wife pointed out that I can’t get out of my head now. Enjoy.
Agent Peggy Carter Update
Last Weeksauce, I broke the story (I did not break the story) that ABC and Marvel might be flirting with the idea of a TV spinoff about Hayley Atwell’s “Peggy Carter” character from the Captain America movie. Geeks everywhere (including myself) sighed wistfully, put our chins in our hands, and pictured what our Hayley Atwell-mothered children might look like. However, the actress herself has actually weighed in on the rumor!
During an interview with Digital Spy, Atwell had this to say about the rumblings:
“It’s certainly something I would be a part of doing. I’d be interested to show different sides of Peggy. Although she’s kick-ass, and she can be aggressive and she can be just as competent as the men, it’d be nice to show that she’s a feminist in a way. It’s not just about her being aggressive and as aggressive as the men in those action sequences, but being able to be a little bit more rounded as a person.”
Alright, Marvel. This is on your heads. Don’t screw it up. DON’T RUIN OUR LOVE. Ahem. So, Science News. I have that around here somewhere. Just. Um. Ah . . .
Science!
Engaging the Crybaby
Science is once again at work breaking open the mysteries of the universe and slurping at the hot brain juice inside. HMS Associate professor of cell biology, Stephen Liberles, is leading a study of mice. Scientists like to study mice. It’s sort of their “move.” You see, this particular study was about mouse pheromones, and how they change across age. Adult mouse pheromones have been deeply studied (naturally), but young mice have been ignored. But no further! Steve and his team learned that there’s a pheromone in the tears of young mice that actively stops adult mice from having sex.
Very good, science. Crying babies kill the libido. We were all wondering whether or not a shrieking human larva in the room was the reason we didn’t want to go Heels to Jesus. Wrestle the horizontal crocodile. Go elbows and knees. Crown the last pharaoh. Punch the piper. Gild the Lannister. HP the Lovecraft. Get a bigger boat. Farewell and ado her fair Spanish lady. Iceskate uphill. Flux the capacitor. Put Baby in the corner.
Apparently, the pheromone also stopped adult mice from having sex with young mice, and the scientists in the study posited that might have been the more pertinent reason for the adaptation. Essentially a mouse defense in case someone falls in love with a baby. Nature’s way of saying, “Hey, don’t bang a toddler.” I’m looking at you, Jacob from Twilight.
Now, naturally, this study only applies to mice, which means it might not have any crossover with human behavior. In fact, it probably doesn’t. Why did I write this mini-article? Well, for the second paragraph, that’s why.
Wait, I have more: Releasing the Kraken. Filling the meter. Trombone lessons with Riker. Putting on the Muppet Show.
Goodnight everybody!
