Saturday July 13th, 2013
Weeksauce brings you all the news in geekery, genre fiction, and nerdy celebrities you may have missed this week while you were pouring steel on Fiorina-161. With a huge heaping dose of snark and more than a little yellow journalism, Weeksauce is here to educate/patronize you and the things you love.
Sex is Bad, Decapitations Totally Fine
The Parents Television Council is back, ruining my life. Or at least, making a stab at it. You see, fellas and broads, sex is bad. No, seriously. Sex is just the worst thing that someone could ever do. Or see. Or be tangentially exposed to. You see, no one on Earth has sex. Ever. They never squish their squishy parts together, and it’s never totally awesome. So, you know. Everybody, cut it out.
The PTC just released a study this week, and it claims that television is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, especially as regards to underage girls. According to the unbiased scientists over at the Bitties Against Boobies, the 2011/2012 television season was, and I quote “Totes obvi the worst.” Endquote.
Apparently a whopping 150 episodes out of 238 (63%) contained sexual content that involved females. Which, I think, almost corresponds exactly to the personage of woman on the planet versus men. But fine. Yeah, okay. That’s bad. Maybe. 33% of this content contained “sexual content that rose to the level of exploitation.” So a third of a half of TV episodes maybe was sexy. . . listen. I’m not questioning their science or anything, but I am questioning their science.
I always advise, however, that you check it out for yourself. It does say “teen girls” and “sex” alot, so just make sure you’re comfortable having the FBI swing by to shove a legal brief up your strata chocolata.
Sharknado Airs, Syfy Trolls Planet Earth
SHARKNADO AIRED THURSDAY NIGHT. WATCH.
It’s got Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, chainsaws, and a tornado full of sharks. Why are you still reading this article?!
Super-Robot Immune to Nuclear Radiation, Oh Crap
We are one step closer to a Reaper invasion, and I couldn’t be more excited. This week, DARPA (the Department of Awesome Robots and Pneumatic Acrobats) announced that they were commissioning a robot designed specifically to be a superhero. No, seriously, its primary function is saving citizens and being a goddam robot. Decades of comic book experience allow me to judge these things, and that is a state-sponsored robot superhero in the making if I’ve ever heard of one.
The robot itself was actually built by Boston Dynamics, which I assume is based in Boston, and is headed by some genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. This all began in 2009, as part of a Robotics Challenge contest to create a shiny chrome-girded guardian who could operate in places that humans can’t because of our weak, spongy forms that are susceptible to melting.
Check out this video to see your future. Like, your actual future, because as soon as we combine this humaniform metallic body with Siri’s insubordinate attitude, we’ll be finding our skulls crushed beneath unforgiving robo-feet.
Electric Sheep All Over the Damn Place
Oh hey speaking of artificial man-made lifeforms and our ultimate subjugation – maybe it’s not as likely as it seemed a paragraph ago. In a recent article in the Journal of Neuroscience, a group of scientists with names like “Gustavo Deco” and “Dante Mantini” had a bit of an alarming discovery whilst working on a computer-simulated human brain.
Basically, they noticed that when the “brain” was at rest (not actively solving any problems), it would begin to fluctuate thoughts across different areas of the brain. However, these fluctuations weren’t random – the program began to link sections together as a sort of mental calisthenics. The scientists (I hope it was Dante Mantini, because that name sounds like a Dominican cocktail or a male stripper) postulate that the brains was actually daydreaming. They also think it might help explain why humans daydream during work – it’s not necessarily laziness, but essential a mental systems check to make sure everything is working.
So next time you’re thinking of Batman instead of filling out spreadsheet cells, just tell your boss that scientists told you it was cool.
The Hamburglar, But For Video Games
Thursday night, Nathan Scott Dimmock, a Warsaw resident, busted into a Warsaw video game store and stole over $10,000 dollars-worth of vintage video games. That is a fuckton of ColecoVisions.
The police finally caught him . . . after his fourth break-in at Video World within the last few weeks. The police finally outsmarted him after he broke into the same place for the fourth time. These cops make Inspector Lestrade look like Tim Drake, who everyone knows is the Robin with the most advanced detective skills. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
The police are charging him with assault with a deadly weapon, because he was caught with a Nintendo lightgun in his pants. Witnesses reported an asshole dog laughing in the bushes nearby during the arrest.
Chinese Allowed to Play Video Games They’re Already Playing
The South China Morning post is reporting that China will be lifting a 13-year ban on the sale of video game consoles. Considering most game consoles are hand-sewn by their own people, I think it’s rather big of China to finally let them play. That’s seriously not a joke – the Wii, the PS3, and the Xbox were all made in China. This is some special kind of irony alloy, one that is lighter but stronger than the standard ore.
China has been riding the rails between communism and capitalism, and this is another step to boost the Chinese economy by not being as pinko. The Chinese Premier Li Keqiang is unleashing a bunch of similar policies designed to open the economy up, including banks and boring stuff that isn’t video games.
Now, the consoles still have to fit into China’s labyrinthine free trade policies, but overall it’s great news for Chinese gamers. Now, Chinese people play games all the time, because piracy, but it’s nice that they don’t have to get their copies of “The Last of Us” from actual subterranean mushroom monsters anymore.
Nintendo Admits to Thing Everyone Already Knows, Fan Rejoice
During an interview with Mario creator and video game deity Shigeru Miyamoto, some unbelievable, amazing, completely shocking, not every-gamer-in-the-world-already-knows-this-ing news was dropped – Nintendo needs a new game franchise to survive. Nintendo has a long history of completely dropping the Master Sword when it comes to third-party games. If it doesn’t star a green elf, a hot cyborg who turns into a ball, or fat plumber who fights dinosaurs, basically nobody cares. Nintendo’s “newest” franchise is Pikmin, which is old enough to go to junior high.
Apparently Miyamoto dropped the ba-bomb – he’s currently working on a brand new Nintendo franchise that isn’t Zelda, Metroid, or Mario. Or Pikmin. He claimed it might be somewhere around next spring, which is also around the time that Mario Kart 8 is coming out. It’s a smart move by Nintendo – release a huge money-making well-known property at the exact same time you try something new. It’s smart for a lot of reasons, and I’m sort of proud of Nintendo. Trying something new is always brave, especially when they have such a devoted, demanding fanbase.
But seriously when the fuck is the new Starfox coming out? FOX MCCLOUD 4 LYFE!