Part-time swashbuckler and professional writer, Agent Bobby lives in Southern California and goes by the names "B.C. Johnson," "Banjo Bob," and "The Amazing Spider-Man." His "Deadgirl" book series (think Buffy meets Stephen King) is available for Kindle, Nook, and even old dusty paperback and can be found at When he's not writing or playing video games, he can be found writing about playing video games and occasionally sleeping.

So here’s the deal – writers are people, like you and me. Especially me, because I’m writing right now, which is what you’re currently reading. Though writers try their best to keep verisimilitude and a fair, unbiased eye, that’s just not a thing. “Write what you know” is the oldest writing advice in the world, and it still holds up. However, the truth of it, from the writing side, is that you “write what you like.” You think about what you dig and you write what you think about. It’s why all of my stories and manuscripts will always at least touch on parallel/alternate realities and dimensions – that shit turns my crank, and it always will. MIRROR Quentin Tarantino’s famous foot-fetish needs little elucidation, for instance – I know Uma Thurman’s feet better than I know my own damn feet after watching his flicks. Here are a few more writer obsessions you may or may not have picked up on, you handsome devil. Also, keep in mind that these aren’t value judgments so much as wacky observations. These writers are all super totes beloved, especially by me.

Sam Raimi Loves Mouth Rape

I tried to reword the title of this section about three times, but it’s honestly the only permutation of sounds that adequately explains his proclivities. We all know Sam Raimi, director of the Evil Dead series and the Spider-Man series (amongst other flicks). He’s practically the King of Camp, so I’m going to avoid his love of whacky camera angles and use of hilariously out-of-date but oddly appropriate cinematography tricks. That’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to discuss his romance with shoving shit into actor’s mouths. Well, mostly actresses. Surprise. Don’t believe me? Can’t seem to remember an over-abundance of mouth violations? Well, I’m happy to help!

Here’s a shot from Evil Dead 2, where the camera zooms in, slows down, and practically makes sweet buttery love to a sequence where an eyeball shoots out of a deadite’s face and into the surprised, gaping mouth of a screaming girl: EYEBALL MOUTHLater in Evil Dead 2, Ash’s evil hand keeps crawling into his mouth. In Army of Darkness, there’s an extended scene where Ash is tied down and forced to swallow a tiny version of himself. I was going to keep looking, but I ran into this montage of clips from ONE MOVIE (Drag Me to Hell, or, Mouth Me In Your Mouth) that is about as damning as it gets.

Case closed, Your Honor.

Joss Whedon Digs Tiny Women Driven Into Insanity

You thought I was going to say Joss Whedon loves tiny women who can kick your ass, and that’s 100% true! However, everybody knows that shit and if you wanted to read about stuff you already knew you’d be flipping through your high school LiveJournal account and feeling shame. Instead, I bring you madness. GLAU There is something about a waif being driven out of her gourd that makes Joss Whedon go from six to midnight. Let’s just sling down his IMDB page, shall we?

Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) – Scarlet Witch is played by an Olsen sister (waif cred) and will have more issues than an out-of-business news stand.

The Avengers (2012) – Loki definitely needs a check-up from the neck up, and he’s extremely skinny and he has a very feminine energy. Okay, I’m reaching.

Dollhouse (2009) – While there are actually quite a few tiny women with mental problems in this show (Echo and Sierra), but it’s actually Whiskey (played by waif God-Queen Amy Acker) who ends up crazier than a shithouse rat. Also features Summer Glau in a brief role as an unhinged scientist. You may begin to sense a pattern.

Serenity (2005) – River could not be either A) Thinner or B) More borked in the brain pan.

Firefly (2002) – River’s back, and she’s opening up a fruit cart because she is 100% bananas.

Angel (1999) – Hey, Amy Acker! Fred is completely non-linear when we first meet her. She gets a tiny bit better, but only slightly. You still wouldn’t trust her with hamster-sitting.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV – 1997) – Drusilla was a nun before she became the doll-whispering, heart cradling, moon-conversing dingbat to end all dingbats. Courtesy of Angelus, who really put in the hours on that one. DRU Toy Story (1995) – When Woody disappears, Bo Peep becomes a coke-snorting beat poet. FACT.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992 movie) – Hilary Swank loses her mind during the vampire attack. You literally can’t get any waif-ier than Hilary Swank. She is the Superman of tiny bitches.

Roseanne (1989) – “The Little Sister” – Jackie finally snaps and joins the Police Academy. I’m counting it.

Stephen King Hates Fat People

I don’t have a lot of examples on this one because it turns out it’s a lot harder to find book quotes on the internet then you’d imagine. However, I did just read “Doctor Sleep” and “Mr. Mercedes” back-to-back. Those are his newest books, which are two parts of a trilogy that will end with “Señor Picnic.” Anyway, as the hugest Stephen King fan on this our shiny planet Earth, trust me when I say this dude really, really doesn’t like fat people. FAT Stephen King will literally stop the story to let you know that a random character is fat and therefore a disgusting abhorrence worthy of ridicule. If a person is a rude dick, they’re fat. Fat women seem to crop up more than fat men – the crazy soothsayer church leader in the Gunslinger is probably the worst example. In it, a great big fat lady is basically a shrieking idiot harpy that gets her demon baby aborted with a gun barrel . . . it’s a weird book.

Anywhere, here’s a lovely bit from Mr. Mercedes: “A beefy twelve- or thirteen-year-old with an ass the size of Iowa is shoved into the wheelchair . . . ” it continues a paragraph or two later with ” … but the fat bitch in the double-wide jeans is already gone.” Now, that’s from an asshole character’s perspective, but it pops up about twelve times just in that book from many character angles. Anyway, keep an eye out next time you read a Stephen King book. Once you start to notice it, you can’t unnoticed it.

Chris Claremont Is Really Into Fem-Doms

Chris Claremont is the storied X-Men comic book writer that basically cracked the franchise open in the late ’80s and early ’90s and poured fried nectar inside of it. Many of the most famous X-Men characters and plotlines came around during his run. The Starjammers, Moira MacTaggert, the Shiar Queen Lilandra, and the Dark goddamn Phoenix to name just a few elements introduced during his run. Her created “Excalibur” and “The New Mutants,” and wrote both “God Loves Man Kills” and “The Dark Phoenix Saga.” He also helped create and popularize Psylocke, Rogue, Emma Frost, Jubilee, Sabretooth, Mister Sinister, Gambit, the incredible list goes on.

He’s basically the Stan Lee of the modern X-Men. This dude is the business, is what I’m saying. However, he is clearly a very big fan of dudes getting the shit kicked out of them by dominatrix-y women. STORM Claremont was behind the duel where Storm fought and humiliatingly defeated Cyclops for control of the X-Men, all while she didn’t have any powers. Claremont is the dude that created Sebastian Shaw, a character who literally got stronger the more you smack the crap out of him. Sadomasochism, party of one. He also crafted the Hellfire Club, which had Emma Frost in white leather dominatrix gear who could control your mind. Oh, and she works with the guy who likes to get beat up a lot. Hmm. Plus he wrote this whole situation below:

JEAN PROOF There’s also an unsubstantiated rumor the Claremont hired a woman to dress up like Storm and do . . . things . . . to him.

Certain . . . things, that some people like.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *