Variety and a hojillion other news sources have reported it as official: Sir Ben of Affleck is going to be donning the cape and cowl as the Dark Knight Detective. They’ve double-triple-dog checked their sources, and it’s confirmed. Even Zack Snyder, director, stepped in to make sure the world knew that the unthinkable had occurred. Here’s the words of the man himself, who’ll be directing the sequel to “Man of Steel,” tentatively titled “Man of Steel 2: The One with Also Batman.”
“Ben provides an interesting counter-balance to Henry’s Superman,” said Snyder. ” He has the acting chops to create a layered portrayal of a man who is older and wiser than Clark Kent and bears the scars of a seasoned crime fighter, but retain the charm that the world sees in billionaire Bruce Wayne. I can’t wait to work with him.”
Everyone knew the internet would have a huge reaction to the final word on the Bat-Casting as soon as DC announced they were doing a Batman Vs. Superman film, but the amount of vitriol launched at Ben Affleck has been staggering. The entire Twitterverse actually began inventing new forms of profanity to describe their disdain, coining such presumably filthy words as “kretch,” “Afflecktion,” and claiming the whole ordeal was a “rife flogger” that Zack Snyder should stick up his “ross-bucket” until he “deedles.” Memes have actually started auto-generating without the guiding hand of a human mind. The sky became a sack cloth, and the moon became blood. The six-headed goat opened his twelve indigo eyes, and the Darkspace at the ragged edge of oblivion began to stir.
Why So Blue, Panda Bear?
Well, it turns out that the public forgave Ben Affleck; They didn’t forget.
The reaction to the casting has actually warped the space/time continuum, pulling the entirety of the Earth back to the year 2003. Clay Aiken isn’t winning American Idol. I’ve just graduated high school, and I’m attending junior college for no discernible reason. The show “The Venture Brothers” is debuting. You see, 2003 was the zenith of the Ben Affleck hatred, a side-effect of his meteoric rise, a lot of hype that really wasn’t his fault (and that no one could live up to), and his unfortunately media-baiting relationship with mega-starlet Jennifer Lopez. The trainwreck of their relationship culminated in the ill-received “Gigli,” a movie that spent more time rewriting itself and trying to capitalize on the “Bennifer” madness than actually putting work into “being a fucking movie.” Then Daredevil “failed,” and Ben retreated from the spotlight.
He found success as a director (and writer), winning Oscars and generally surprising the shit out of people. However, the new-found wave of praise had a hidden subtext. What they were saying had a subtle message: “Wow, Ben Affleck, you are a kickass director! (Subtext: Never fucking act again).”
He hasn’t tried to headline a blockbuster movie in a long time, likely aware of the potential sharknado of anguish he’d be pulling down on himself.
But now he’s going to Batman. Oh shit folks. Time to light up the pitchforks. The internet is PISSED.
Why You Should Relax
You (and by you, I mean the people who are frothing at the mouth for the head of Zack Snyder/Ben Affleck), need to be like Fonzi. Because he’s cool.
You see, what people are forgetting is that Ben Affleck is an actor. It doesn’t matter that he often plays fratboy types. Or he plays funny Jersey guys. Or he plays jerkass clowns. Or he was Daredevil and Daredevil “was totes bad guyyzz.” Ben Affleck is a fine actor. Now, if you don’t agree with me, that’s fine – it’s a subjective opinion, and it would be foolish of me to try to convince you to change yours.
When I say he’s an actor, I mean this: His job is to become a different person. Like all artists, you can’t pigeonhole them into one area. Heath Ledger had never played a psychotic genius before “The Dark Knight,” and his portrayal of the Joker is legend – wait for it – amazing. Michael Keaton had been primarily known as a comedy actor before his stint in 1989’s “Batman.” Fans sent thousands of hate letters to Warner Brothers when they heard that “some comedy guy was going to Batman,” and now look at us. Michael Keaton is practically the “Sean Connery” of Batmen, if you follow the Bond analogy. No one would have called that.
Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man was widely mocked when it was first announced. Now he’s the King of the Nerds. His portrayal of Tony Stark has actually redefined the character IN THE COMICS because it was so amazing. Anne Hathaway – seriously one of the best Catwomen ever. Hugh Jackman: “Too tall. Too skinny. Too pretty oh SHIT BE WOLVERINE FOREVER PLEASE!” If we’ve learned anything, it’s the internet doesn’t know what it wants, because most people on the internet aren’t casting directors. They don’t have that skillset.
And the trend works in reverse. George Clooney? I couldn’t THINK of an actor more suited to play Bruce Wayne/Batman then George Clooney. Hell, Clooney basically is Batman, just without the punching. That turned out well, right?
I’m not saying we should all fellate Ben Affleck. I’m not saying we should hail the decision in the streets, and erect a monument to the Batffleck. All I’m saying is that we, as an internet of webs, need to relax and wait.
Zack Snyder cast Henry Cavill, and (as far as casting goes) he was a fantastic Superman. Amy Adams as Lois Lane was inspired. Michael Shannon as Zod rivals Terence Stamp.
You need an older, charming Batman with a wry sense of humor to counteract the new dour Man of Steel? Affleck can pull it off.
So don’t worry about Ben Affleck.
It’s the script you have to worry about because holy crap was “Man of Steel” poorly written.