In my first article I pointed out that while comic books do still objectify women, men have become just as much eye candy. In this BRAND NEW monthly column I will discuss cute boys and why they make the peoples swoon.
Name: Namor, Sub-Mariner, Imperius Rex, King of AB-lantis.
History: The son of a brave sea captain and the princess of Atlantis, Namor took the mantle of Prince even though he resembled a land-dweller. Throughout his comic history he has always been arrogant and temperamental but dedicated to keeping the integrity and safety of Atlantis. He’s one of Marvel’s oldest characters but thankfully due to the non-aging of comic book lore and his virile, Atlantean blood he seems to be stuck in his mid-30’s/early 40’s. He’s been an Invader, Defender, Avenger, X-Men, and even embodied 1/5 of the Phoenix recently.
What Makes Him a Babe: Let’s just get to the point, his body is BANGIN’. He’s got the broad shoulders of an expert swimmer and abs on abs on abs. Like, if there was ever an abdominal shortage we could go to Old Man Rex and he would sustain Earth for a dozen more generations at least. But that’s just the physical, because underneath all those delectable abs beats the heart of your quintessential bad boy. Bad boys have been messing with women’s psyche since the dawn of man. Hell, even in the Bible Eve chose the devil over Adam who was so perfectly her match it’s like God was the original eHarmony. Why did Eve listen to that devious snake, Lucifer? Because he was a bad boy.
The appeal of a bad boy with a heart of gold is that he doesn’t follow the rules (Namor has been villain to almost every team he’s been on at some point or another), he gives off the scent of raw power (Namor is constantly out of breath, not because he can’t breathe above water but because he won’t stop telling you how he rules all of the seas and by default majority of Earth), and he usually has an awesome ride. James Dean had a motorcycle, Steve McQueen had a Porsche, and Namor has tiny wings attached to his ankles. Okay, maybe that sounds lame but it means he can fly, not according to physics but because he is so sexy even the sky wants to eat him up.
Even despite looking like a barefoot idiot he makes it work because he is so cocky all of the time. With good reason, Namor is a phenomenal fighter. He rarely uses weapons besides a trident or spear because he just doesn’t need it. In issue #1 of A vs X when The Thing beat him underwater I called bullshit. There was just no explanation for why an already overpowered being like Namor could be defeated in his natural habitat. Impossible. Namor is often seen in battle scenes pummeling his enemies, screaming “Imperius Rex” like some kind of sexy lunatic.
Evolution in Sexiness: As far as sex appeal goes, Namor wins Most Changed Since Freshman Year easily. In his earlier appearances he looked like an underfed Spock. Looking back at those Golden Age books he was all pointy ears, angry eyebrows and weighing in just under a self-loathing sorority sister. Then the late 90’s bulked him up, but a little too much. Like he finally hit his growth spurt and became addicted to the gym but because he’s such a dick no one told him to take a leg day. Luckily in recent years artists seemed to have given him a proper swimmer’s build. Lots of lean muscles, broad shoulders and abs that turn ladies into rabid, horny teenagers.
Favorite Rendition: Current Namor. He’s lost the Speedos and (unfortunately) started wearing pants. Much like the outrage of Wonder Woman fans after J. Michael Stracynski’s Odyssey, I was furious at first. But something about the pants works for me. I’m guessing the fact that his legs are covered only accentuates how bare his chest is. He pairs his skintight man-leggings with a vest that is permanently open. Every ounce of me wants to make fun of his style choices but instead I look at him and involuntarily start drooling and want to dry-hump the book.
Relationship Status: Namor doesn’t DO relationships. He’s got a lover in every port so to speak (PUN’D!) He prefers blondes who are already dating douchebags, specifically Emma Frost and Sue Storm.
F*ck, Marry, Kill: F*ck, for sure. Without a doubt. Namor would be the worst husband. Everything from the way he talks down to everyone to insatiable lust for blondes in committed relationships. His smug sarcasm makes him way too entertaining a character to ever kill off, unless it was death delivered via my vagina.
Denise Compatibility: Sadly, with the exception of a summer fling a la Danny Zucco and Sandy Olsson it would never work between me and the Sub-Mariner. I think he and I would be better as friends with benies. There is just no longevity. If he’s not fighting Nazis, he’s off in space with Dr. Strange and Silver Surfer, or solving some world-ending event with the rest of the Illuminati in New Avengers. I need more stability. If I could trade in a third of his abs for a little more commitment then things would be smooth sailing (PUN’D again!)
For more BOY CRAZY COMICS be sure to come back every third Saturday of the month! Have any suggestions for Babe of the Month? Leave a comment below!!