The 2013 Comic Con International in San Diego is already half over, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t still time for me to regret my life decisions. You see, I’m a rather sporadic Con-Goer – I’ve been to around four or five Cons in ten years, which is just enough to know what I’m missing by being here. In normy-town. Doing things like “work” and “not kissing Nathan Fillion.” Or, trying to kiss him. I went for it last time, but he was already sprinting in the opposite direction in his tight, tight pants.
Anyway, here’s what all those bastards who got tickets are up to this weekend. This article also doubles as a geek suicide note, so if you’re feeling that way you can just print this article out and set it on your bedside and everyone will pretty much understand what happened.
I’ve seen two of the three modern “Sherlock Holmes” adaptions. I’ve seen RDJ be awesome (obviously), and I’ve watched Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman absolutely kill it on the BBC “Sherlock.” I haven’t seen the American TV Sherlock Holmes, the one starring Lucy Liu and the guy from Hackers, but I have heard interesting things. Apparently Watson is a chick? I’m down. I always wanted to bang Watson but now I feel better about it.
Anyway, there was a BBC “Sherlock” panel yesterday, and it even had show creator Stephen Moffat onboard, which makes me a sad panda for missing it. I would have loved to talk about Benedict’s cheekbones, or Martin’s hobbit feet, or how amazing it was that they turned Moriarity into the Joker.
What I Was Doing While This Panel Was Happening: Copy and pasting ASINs into a database to match local SKUS and thinking about jamming a pencil through my adam’s apple.
17) Ender’s Game and Divergent
Ender’s Game is one of the finest science fiction novels ever written, and is accessible, easy to read, and deeply thought-provoking. I would highly recommend it as a “my first sci-fi novel” for anyone, adult or child, and I mean that as no insult. It has deep, flawed characters, it asks interesting ethical questions, but it also has Zero-G laser tag and little kids kicking twelve buckets of ass.
Ender’s Game is finally becoming a movie, which is ridiculous only because it’s taken so long. Luckily, they seem to be doing an excellent job – they’ve got Harrison Ford and Sir Ben “Why Are There Tattoos On My Face” Kingsley. The effects look amazing. I’m a little bummed they showed the end of the movie IN THE FUCKING FIRST TRAILER, but other than that, you know. Excitement. Yesterday there was an Ender’s Game panel at Con, and it had all the stars (including Han Solo), super-writer Robert Orci, director Gavin Hood, and the first footage from the film. I just hope they don’t cut the traumatic “death by testicle destruction” scene from the movie.
The panel also has stuff from the new YA novel adaption “Divergent.” I mention that only because my wife is super gay for that book.
What I Was Doing While This Panel Was Happening: Driving home from work through an hour of traffic, doing my carpal-tunnel wrist regimen with my 4lb weights.
16) Superior Spider-Man
Apparently Marvel is doing a “Superior Spider-Man” panel! Wowsers! For those of you who’ve had the good fortune to not hear anything about it, Superior Spider-Man is about Doc Ock finally murdering Spider-Man, stealing his body, and being A BETTER SPIDER-MAN than Peter Parker. But, you know, evil and German. I know that’s the story I always wanted to read.
Hopefully Marvel will do a new story where Red Skull and Crossbones shower-rape Captain America, and then they use his skin as a hang-glider. Then they sail their Rogers-Glider into the Avenger’s mansion and film a video of themselves shitting inside all of Tony Stark’s armors.
Anyway, there was a stupid panel about that stupidity where you can ask them why they are stupid. Which is what I would have asked.
What I Was Doing While That Was Happening: Eating a Lean Cuisine during my half-an-hour lunch break. And being angry about Spider-Man while I consumed exactly 290 calories.
15) The World’s End
Have you seen “Shaun of the Dead?” “Hot Fuzz?” Then you already know that “The World’s End” is going to be cooler than a radness explosion inside the bourbon volcano on Titty Island. Hand-crafted by director Edgar Wright and nerd-ambassador Simon Pegg, “The World’s End” is the third and final chapter of the “Blood and Cornetto” trilogy of spiritually-similar flicks.
“The World’s End” is about childhood friends, now adults, attempting to retry an epic pub crawl that they never finished as youths. Eventually it all goes to hell and their hometown might be under invasion. It’s got Simon Pegg as the nostalgia-only friend who can’t grow up, it’s got Nick Frost playing a fairly normal dude for once, and it has Inspector Lestrade, one of the Andies, and Martin “Doctor Bilbo Watson Dent” Freeman himself.
There was a panel this very morning featuring the power trio (Edgar, Simon, and Nick), answering questions about the movie and being hilarious and British. You know cool things happened. Man, I bet they were really cool. Shit.
What I Was Doing While That Happened: Photoshopping a picture so the instrument in it was in metric instead of imperial measurement.
14) Venture Brothers
GOOOOOO. TEEEEEAM. VENNNNTURRRRRRE! Crackboom!
That, my friends, is how it’s done. The Venture Brothers is one-part Johnny Quest, one-part Doc Savage, and about fifteen parts over-the-top amazeballs. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a cartoon on Cartoon Network. One of the few, actually. It features the post-post-modern adventures of incompetent teen “adventurers” the Venture Brothers, along with their ultracompetent body guard Brock Samson who is a paragon of badassleyness stretched over a frame made of solid-state testosterone.
We at GUARD love this show so much that three of us named our podcast after it – ever heard of “The Order of the Triad” podcast? Who am I kidding. Of course you have. When Earth is but a ball of dust orbiting ’round a frozen star, the dulcet tones of Agents Nate, Agent Justin, and Agent Me will play out oblivion. The last remnant of human culture. I actually feel really bad about that.
Anyway, there’s a sweet-looking panel with Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer, the creators of the show who also voice a great deal of the characters. You’ll also find Patrick Warburton at the panel – TV’s Puddy from Seinfeld, Tick from “The Tick,” and probably the template God uses for his own Voice.
What I Was Doing When That Happened: Absorbing enough florescent lighting to gain some kind of cancer-based super powers.
13) Joe Quesada
Get a Cup O’Joe at the Joe Quesada panel! Who’s Jumpin’ Joe Quesada? Marvel’s creative honcho, former Editor-in-Chief, Reason-I-Stopped-Reading-Spider-Man-Comics, Joe has been a fixture at Marvel Comics for a long, long time. He’s answering questions alongside a bunch of the other Marvel team members. What questions would you ask Joe, if you were at Con?
What questions would I ask Joe? Well, if you read that Superior Spider-Man thing up above (YOU BETTER HAVE), you can tell I’m sort of obnoxious about Spider-Man. I fully admit that my Spider-Obsession is a level 5 danger to those around me. There are three topics you shouldn’t argue with me, not necessarily because I’m right (though I am), but because I cannot be relied upon to keep my cool. My Hulk-side gets the better of me when I’m disagreed with about: politics, Spider-Man, and “salsa on the side.” No, that last one is not my patented “end a list of serious things with a joke” trick. I am way too passionate about having to put salsa in a burrito by hand.
I mean why not just put it in the burrito? Before you close the tortilla, just PUT THE GODDAM SALSA IN THE BURRITO. This VERY morning I spilled salsa all over my phone because I was trying to moisten a burrito whilst driving. What, does someone love dry burritos? Does someone hate salsa? Listen. If you don’t like salsa, don’t eat Mexican food. You non-salsa people are screwing it up for the rest of us. Sorry. Anyway.
Joe Quesada is the guy that dropped an Editorial Decree that Spider-Man had to sell his marriage to the devil to save an old woman. Listen. I can’t really talk about it, but I’d like to be at that panel very much.
What I’m Doing Instead: Fuming about Joe Quesada, unfortunately out of crossbow range.
12) Geek and Sundry
Sweet pants this article is getting long. My “few quips about each” turned into “psycho manifesto on each topic.” Anyway. Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher) and Felicia Day (Felicia Day) have an internet TV network called “Geek and Sundry.” It has shows about Tabletop Games, Video Games, Gamey Games, fictional stuff, characters, etc. All the stuff a geek’s eyeballs need. Anyway, as they are Emperor and Empress of the internet, it would be fantastic to be in a room with them.
Well, again. I don’t mean to brag (really?), but I have met and talked to Felicia Day. Then we caught her later that day wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, peering through the RPG manuals at a booth and trying not to get mobbed. What I’m saying is that I’m kind of a big deal.
What I Will be Doing While That Happens: Saturday at 11am? I will be sleeping. So, let’s call this one a wash.
11) Grant Morrison
Grant Morrison is answering questions and being Scottish! Right there, live on stage! He’ll be telling weird anecdotes about transdimensional alien life forms he encountered on drug trips in an indecipherable Scottish accent. I know it sounds like I’m making fun of him but I’m really not. I love Grant Morrison.
Who’s Grant Morrison? Short answer: he’s a wizard. Medium answer: he’s a comic book writer famous for trippy storylines. Most accurate answer: He’s doing the panel because he’s promoting “18 Days,” his new YouTube-based animated series based off the Mahabharata, a Sanskrit epic about the Kurukshetra War and that’s everything you need to know about Grant Morrison.
What I Was Doing Instead of Grant Morrising: Today at 4:45 to 5:45 I was staring at the clock on my computer going RUN FASTER YOU MOTHERFUCKER SO I CAN GO HOOOOOME. Basically I was trying to alter space and time with my mind and heeeeyyyy that is like hanging out with Grant Morrison.
10) Batman the Animated Series
Batman the Animated Series is officially 21 years old, which means I am officially old as the devil’s horns. Batman: TAS was an incredible show that didn’t talk down to children and wasn’t afraid to give them meaty stories to chew on. It was the kind of kids programming networks need to be aiming for. Anyway, all the minds behind the show are going to be at the panel, celebrating the show’s drinking age.
Bruce Timm, Paul Dini, Alan Burnett, Eric Radomski – they’re all there, ready to be thanked by our ungrateful asses for having amazing childhoods. They made Mr Freeze cool, they brought us Harley Quinn, and they made us cry with the breathtaking “Over the Edge” episode.
What I Will Be Doing Instead: Saturday, around dinner time, I will be having dinner, which consists of martinis. And maybe beefs of some type. BECAUSE AMERICA.
Part 1 End
Comic Con is half over, and so is this list! That’s it for part 1! Stay tuned tomorrow for entries 9 down to number 1 for more sorrow, weeping, and regret.