Part-time swashbuckler and professional writer, Agent Bobby lives in Southern California and goes by the names "B.C. Johnson," "Banjo Bob," and "The Amazing Spider-Man." His "Deadgirl" book series (think Buffy meets Stephen King) is available for Kindle, Nook, and even old dusty paperback and can be found at When he's not writing or playing video games, he can be found writing about playing video games and occasionally sleeping.

Moving On Up

“Moving blows.” – Captain Jean Luc Picard

Moving from one home to another combines pretty much everything that is crappy about life. Here’s a handy checklist of human miseries to make sure I’m right (I usually am):

  1. Spending lots of money (and getting no video games or food in exchange for said currency)
  2. Heavy-lifting
  3. Injuries from said lifting (optional?)
  4. Cleaning
  5. Dirt. Dust inhalation. Mysteriously sticky items.
  6. Poisonous vermin encounters (Category: Spiders, aka Lloth’s foul minions on the Material Plane)
  7. Sweat
That's actually how I normally sleep
That’s actually how I normally sleep

As is evident from my bitching/moaning, I’m right in the process of a move. Wee! Mostly because we want our own place again, and also because our current dayjobs are at the end of outrageous commutes. Outrageous to me, anyway. I realize some people have like three hour commutes but that is what we call “retarded” with a capital “get a new job.”

So it is to the land of boxes and stairs for us, but as geeks, my wife and I find ourselves constantly having moving conversations normals probably don’t have. What kind of conversations, you ask?

These Kind of Conversations

1batlethHouse of Cutlery

Gina, the Wife: “Are you gonna keep all those swords?”

Bobby, the Husband: “I guess I probably shouldn’t. This longsword is on its last sword-legs.”

Gina: “Didn’t you take that to Ren-Faire?”

Bobby: “Yeah, but that’s because it’s the only one with a sheath. Well, the katanas have scabbards, but they wouldn’t be period-appropriate.”

Gina: “Are you gonna keep both katanas?”

Bobby: “I might.”

Gina: “Even the old black one? Didn’t you get that at your first Con?”

Bobby: “Well, yeah, but it’s magical.”

Gina: “What?”

Bobby: “It didn’t fall apart when we played Real-Life Fruit Ninja. The other katana broke. I think the melons did it. Mine will still cut a lettuce head at 30 miles an hour.”

Gina: “Pretty much what you’re looking for in a traditional samurai sword.”

dinosaur Desk of Many Things

Gina: “The old desk is going to your parents?”

Bobby: “Yeah.”

Gina: “It’s pretty crowded.”

Bobby: “Not really.”

Gina: “Should I put all the action figures together?”

Bobby: “Yeah. Or should we separate them? I mean I don’t know that ‘Dixon Hill’ Picard and ‘Romulan Impostor’ Picard really belong with Buffy and Angelus. I mean, it would have to be some kind of holodeck exercise . . .”

Gina: “They’ll be fine.”

Bobby: “Where’s Mjolnir?”

Gina: “It’s in that bag with the Captain America shield and the Malcolm Reynolds pistol.”

Bobby: “The ‘office supply’ bag?”

Gina: “Yeah.”

Bobby: “An immortal god’s mystical uru hammer and the sidearm of a space cowboy are my office supplies.”

Gina, with sarcasm: “Yes, you’re very impressive.”

Bobby: “Crap I lost my plush dinosaurs.”

Gina: “They’re right here. Do we need to keep them?”

Bobby: “I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them.”

diceBooks and Things

Gina: “How many video games are you going to need this week?”

Bobby: “Hmm? Oh. Probably just this one. You can pack the rest.”

Gina: “Just Uncharted 3?”

Bobby: “Yeah I haven’t even gotten to Yemen yet. And even then Iram of the Pillars is like . . . way after that. After the horses and the pirate graveyard.”

Gina: “Wanna leave Hitman out?”

Bobby: “I’m good. Holy bones we have a lot of books.”

Gina: “English Teacher. Writer.”

Bobby: “Man books are heavy. Like, heavier than other things.”

Gina: “Yes, dear. Hey, I was thinking – to save space in the office, wanna turn the downstairs closet into the D&D closet? We could keep miniatures, dice, books, maps, all that stuff in there. And keep a suitcase there in case we’re not hosting. That way it’s all easily accessible and in one spot.”

Bobby: “Is it possible to marry someone twice? I’d like to do that.”


We’re also noticing that decorating is becoming more of an issue. She’s got old school “My Little Pony” dolls, I’ve got a ten-inch Ezio Auditore (hey-o), and we both have enough Con-Art to paper the walls, ceiling, and potentially the floor (providing it’s wood or some kind of laminate).

However, as our mortal husks begin to age, we find our tastes changing. Not necessarily to non-geeky things, but maybe to “classier” geeky things? For instance: in our place, the living room art consisted of:

1 Gustav Klimt Canvas Print (You know the one, and yes, it was a compromise so I could put up . . .)
1 Assassin-Surrounded-By-Otherworldy-Crows-Whilst-Carrying-Bloody-Dagger Print
1 Robin, the Boy Wonder Bat-Roping A Girl Out Of Trouble Print
1 Cartoony Girl Standing in Rain Print

Now, I still dig all those pieces (except the Klimt – sorry babe, love ya), but even to me they don’t seem as “living room” appropriate as they once were. I was worrying that some kind of lameness rays were emanating from my dying human cells, but now I realize it isn’t the INTERESTS that changed. It’s the level of quality.

We just don’t want any old thing up on the walls just because it looks neat and has something about Batman on it. On the other hand, we don’t want to just put up paintings of horses and call it done. On another hand (the 3rd, mutant, hand, I guess), we don’t just want wedding pictures and shelves full of accounting books about freeway routes. What do a pair of classy nerds do?

No seriously, what do we do? Because we’ve got about four days until we’re decorating and I am boned for ideas.

Is this too far? Not far enough?! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE LINE IS ANYMORE!
Is this too far? Not far enough?! I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE LINE IS ANYMORE!

If you have any advice for keeping it classy and nerdy, hit us back below with suggestions!



  1. I’ve found that things that might not seem like a likely group can look good on a wall if you choose a common theme for the frames and lay them out. We have a charcoal sketch of a reclining nude, sketch cards of mouse guard, chibi green lantern, night crawler and shanna, a brush and ink Daredevil, a Farscape Aerin and John print, a Jedi print by a friend and Skull and LolBat sketch cards all in different black frames with mattes along with a stencil piece a friend made all up on the walls inn the living room and they look super classy. 🙂 Some were custom framed, some I framed but bought mattes and some were done on the cheap and I mounted them on colored paper instead of mattes. The frames were from Aaron Brothers when they have their penny sale too, kept costs down, 😉

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