Patrick Tierney

Looking like the love-child of Tom Baker and Benedict Cumberbatch, Patrick has been chasing sightings of failure for as long as he can remember. His stand-offish and quiet demeanor only punctuate his awkwardly honest sense of humor. Follow him on Twitter: @MrPatrickCakes or on Tumblr: www.scottpilgrimage.tumblr.com

Rejoice fellow geeks!  The long wait is over.  Spider-Man is coming home, back to the bosom of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  It won’t be long before we get to see the web head cracking wise as the Avengers save the world.  This is something Marvel comic book fans have been talking about since the idea of an Avengers movie existed.  I remember way back to the rumor mills of 2011 that Peter Parker, Wolverine, and even Deadpool were going to be joining the roster despite the many legal hurdles that entailed.  But we no longer need to speculate, Spider-Man is back… though he carries some baggage.

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The Amazing Spider-Man movies have some dubious distinctions.  True, they are leaps and bounds better than the Sam Raimi helmed Spider-Man movies (sorry Justin), they’ve still put Peter Parker in a precarious position.  Let’s run down the list of continuity issues.  First and foremost, there is no Norman Osborn, Spider-Man’s biggest nemesis is gone and nothing short of an Infinity Stone would bring him back.  This is a monumental problem because, let’s face it, Spider-Man’s rogue’s gallery is a who’s who of laughable jokes.  Boomerang?  Mysterio the fishbowl head?  And best not to get started on Shocker—the name alone…  Anyway, my point being that a huge hunk of Peter Parker’s compelling story is simply gone, inaccessible.  The next problem is that the movies failed to establish Peter Parker’s connection to The Daily Bugle.  That means J. Jonah Jameson hasn’t had the chance to yell Parker in and out of his office.

Let me cut to the chase on this one; Spider-Man’s first appearance is supposedly in “Captain America: Civil War”.  And there is a mighty significance to this.  What does Spider-Man do in the “Civil War” comic that’s particularly noteworthy?  Oh I don’t know; just reveal his identity to the world!  And in the comic book, Jameson watches the newsfeed and has a heart attack on the spot.  It.  Is.  Epic.  Now imagine the impact of that in the movie… kinda falls short doesn’t it?  So we got Peter Parker back but he’s in a bad spot.

Let me fix this for Marvel.  This idea comes from the lovely and talented Agent Denise and it is a good one.  First, I have to state a few things.  Number one?  Sony may have handed over the keys to Spider-Man but they have abstinently refused to cancel their Sinister Six movie.  That’s fine, we actually need the Sinister Six movie first.  Number two?  This would require an ungodly level of cooperation between Marvel and Sony.  Not totally out of the question; I didn’t think I’d see a Marvel Studios Spider-Man flick in my lifetime.  But if those two requirements are met then we have an absolutely amazing pitch for you.

Let’s start off the Sinister Six movie right.

These guys are fearsome and formidable and they team up to commit crimes the same way the Avengers team up to save the world.  They are coordinating, planning, and executing professionally.  In fact, the first scene of the movie is them committing a crime.  It would be something flashy like knocking over a gold convoy traveling through New York.  Things are going super awesome, everything according to plan.  They’re about to wrap things up and go when—what do ya know?  Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man shows up.  And what does he do?  He wipes the floor with them.  This Spider-Man is experienced and on top of his game.  You got a whole team?  Too bad, nobody can even lay a finger on him.  After the whole plan falls apart, the Sinister Six go into full retreat, leaving the loot and the web slinger for another day.

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They regroup back at the safe house to lick their wounds.  There’s discontent and mutiny rippling through the group.  They’re on the verge of collapse before a voice calls out from the dark.  He tells them they have everything right except what they need to beat Spider-Man.  From the shadows, a man emerges and introduces himself as Kraven, the hunter.  He tells them to plan their next job and he will take care of the Spider-Man, that’s it, that’s all he wants.  No money, gold, riches, he just wants to kill the Spider-Man.

The next job sees the Sinister Six robbing some sort of loot but this time they’re robbing a building, a building they have meticulously prepared for Spider-Man.  And sure enough, in swings the red and blue crusader.  Immediately things start shaping up as they did last time, Spider-Man is laying the Sinister Six out flat.  But before we can web up the group and call it a day, he’s side swiped.  Dazed, he gets to his feet only to face the ferocity of Kraven, a beast contained within a man.  The fight goes badly for Spider-Man at first.  He doesn’t know this guy and he is wild like nothing he has ever seen.  Gradually he starts to learn and even overcome the hunter.  By this point, the Sinister Six are almost done with their robbery and they see Kraven struggling in the fight—but Spider-Man also isn’t looking so hot.  Why miss the opportunity?

Rhino charges in, heedless of the environment around him and the screams of protest from Kraven.  Spider-Man just barely manages to dodge the rampaging metal suit but Rhino keeps going and takes out a support column and the whole building loses structural integrity.  The Sinister Six make a bee line for the exit and Spider-Man moves to follow—but something catches his attention, civilians trying to escape but they’re not gonna make it.  Spider-Man pulls a U-turn and scoops one up into his arms.  After a few rounds in and out of the crumbling building he’s running towards the exit with the last civilian in his arms, the Sinister Six see the building come down.  In one last desperate gesture, Spider-Man throws up a web net and tosses the civilian out of danger before debris cascades down on top of him.  The dust settles and Spider-Man is dead.

During the next few scenes, there’s a montage of the Sinister Six celebrating their victory juxtaposed against the despair the city is feeling.  They have lost local hero Peter Parker and everyone is mourning under the weight.  Even Kraven is in mourning, upset that the kill was taken from him.  He doesn’t continue with the group but he does watch them, wanting his revenge for the kill that was stolen from him.  This goes on for a while but the Sinister Six start getting a little too full of themselves.  They decide they’re gonna hit a big cash target, they’re gonna hit Stark Tower itself.

Now they’re not stupid, they know they can’t take on the Avengers.  But they also know that tower is empty most of the time.  The Avengers have their own stuff to do, they’re not always hanging out in the tower.  If they hit the tower at just the right time they can catch the building when it’s empty.  So the stage is set, one big score from Avengers tower itself for the Sinister Six.

It starts off okay, everyone knows their job.  Rhino is in charge of the door while everyone else gets busy going through the tower.  It’s not a cake walk, there’s security and fortifications but the obstacles are not insurmountable.  They do have to hurry though because they have no idea how close an Avenger is, best not to chance a fight with Thor or Captain America.  But as they’re making their run through the tower, Rhino calls in.

“Guys, you’re never gonna believe this.  Spider-Man is here.”

They all get confused.  “That’s impossible,” someone says.  “We killed him months ago.”

“Well either he got better or this is a cheap knock off,” Rhino says.

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And there he stands—though a little bit shorter than he was before… and his costume, it’s the same motif but in red and black.  The Sinister Six all assemble and have a good laugh at this “Spider-Man”.  They crack jokes and tell him to go home, Halloween isn’t for another month.  He is undeterred and leaps into attack.  The Sinister Six are caught off guard but still don’t take this kid seriously.  They continue to crack jokes at him and toy with him, almost in the same fashion the old Spider-Man did with them.

But something is happening.  This new Spider-Man is landing hits, and they hurt.  Rhino keeps chasing him down, trying to scare him off.  But the suit is malfunctioning, getting slower and having errors.  Suddenly the suit freezes up and will not continue; Spider-Man stands before him with hand fulls of parts and wires he pulled from the legs of the suit.  Rhino is out of the fight.  One by one, the Sinister Six are taken down, each succumbing to this new Spider-Man in different ways.  They’re so confused but they know one thing, they should not have underestimated this new Spider-Man.  Before they know it, they’re all taken down.  But it couldn’t be Spider-Man; he wears red and blue, he’s taller, and this new Spider-Man didn’t shoot a single web.

Before they can finish that thought, Kraven appears on the scene.  The last Spider-Man may have been taken from him but he is going to kill a Spider-Man.  The two fight, the new Spider-Man clearly outclassed.  Kraven is laughing but not making the same mistake as the Sinister Six.    The fight is winding down, Spider-Man having taken a beating.  Kraven laughs at his triumph, picking up the scrawny Spider-Man by the neck to humiliate him.  He brings him in close to taunt the would-be hero.  And that’s when the new Spider-Man reaches out and touches Kraven, a bio-electric zap stunning the hunter and dropping him to his knees.  He’s stunned and unable to respond and Spider-Man takes full advantage of the situation, beating the hunter into submission and saving the day.

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Being as this is Avenger’s tower, some Avengers do show up. They come on the scene to discover a beaten Spider-Man standing over the prone members of the Sinister Six. While impressed they are taken back by his choice of costume, one of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes steps closer and says, “Did you take all these guys down by yourself?” To which Spider-Man will nod slowly before being faced with another query from Tony or Hawkeye.  “Okay, kid, but you know it’s in bad taste to be wearing that get up, right? Peter Parker died.” Then finally, without removing the mask, our new vigilante speaks his first words in the film.

“I’m not Peter Parker, I’m Spider-Man.”

Cut to black.

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