Nathan Schulz

Born and raised in California, Nathan has been a fiend for geeky pop culture for years. ESPECIALLY comic books and movies. Can't get enough. He also likes writing his own comic books (The Shrouded City) and drinking sparkling water. Maybe it shows we've grown as a society that nobody makes fun of him for making comic books... but he does get a lot of s**t for drinking sparkling water. Win some, lose some. If you feel like it, you can follow his twitter musings: @natethegreater

(All Images Belong to Marvel Comics)

Oh well met my fellow smiling smiters! This issue is jam packed with so much good stuff, it’s not fair that I get to write about it. But I’m gonna, because where else are you gonna learn about these hammers? On the streets? From some dude nick-named “Lester”? Don’t do that! Let me shield you from Lester’s prying eyes and shambling prose.

This issue of Thor has Thanos, weddings, break-ups, resurrections, lesbian but-not-actually-lesbian twist and turns man I can’t even catch you up on all this, but I can catch you up on the weapons. Namely the weapon with the longest surviving streak: Wolfsbane!

…that’s not the name? But I made up the name! Oh Loki officially named it? Well what the Hel?! (Disclaimer: Every name and story about the hammers is made up by yours truly).

Introducing… re-introducing(?): Hel-Bringer!

I must admit, I do like the name. Especially considering that it literally brought Thor back from Valhalla, thanks to some Loki magic. (Also, no thanks to some Loki magic for sending Thor to Valhalla in the first place).

Hel-Bringer has beaten Fenris, brought Thor back from the brink, had a cool Green Lantern chain (which I hope they keep, like the strap on the hilt of Mjolnir), and is still intact! If not more powerful than ever! What hammer could possibly be cooler?

Well…

King of Hel, y’all.

At some point in the story, Thor dons the crown of Hela, essentially making him the King of Hel.

And thanks to that upgrade, Thor gets a new symbol of his… auTHORity (sorry, couldn’t help it). A kickass hammer made out of mystical frozen blood! Which cannot be practical, but boy is that not the point. It’s cool! Ice cold, in fact.

Either way, the new hammer is clearly as good at bludgeoning as all of Thor’s armory has been. And it glows ominous red! What else do you need?

The most important accessory to any hammer: Glowy chain!

Name of Hammer: “Wolfsbane”Hel-Bringer

Cause of Destruction: Nope! Still kicking!

Story: “At what must have been the 10th hammer he had enchanted that day alone, Odin stopped suddenly. He held the hammer, seeing it clearly. ‘Father…’ murmured Odin to himself. Yes, this was one of his father Bor’s old weapons. A hammer that Bor had wielded, a backup for when his sword or axe was too far buried into an enemy’s head or heart for him to retrieve it and cleave another foe. He would impatiently yank this hammer from his belt, and continue his bloody work on the battlefield. Odin could remember the site of his father, swathed in gore, surveying his glorious victory. Idly shaking the blood from this very hammer. It pained Odin to remember, in that moment, how keenly aware he was of his father’s incredible capacity for violence. The times Bor casually struck Odin for the smallest falter in respect owed to him. The times his mother Bestla looked at Odin with love and regret. The times, far too many, where Odin looked into a mirror and only saw Bor looking back at him. ‘My lord?’ asked the paige, waiting to take the hammers, ‘Did you need me to remove that hammer from the armory?’ Odin looked blinked his one eye twice. He set Bor’s old hammer down. ‘No, add it to the pile. Let my son build something with this hammer.’ The paige bowed, removing that day’s allotment of enchanted weapons. And Odin was left alone with the old pain of the child he never got to be.”

Name of Hammer: “Blood Iron” …or “BLOODgeon“? Hmm? Yes…? People, you have no idea how hard it is for me to not go full pun!

Cause of Destruction: When Thor removed the crown, he no longer had the… AuTHORity to wield it. (Sorry, I have a condition).

Story:
“First to be damned, first to bleed
Thou soul shall force all to heed,
The one who rules Hel, as is thine right
The frozen weapon that holds Hel’s might,
A form that is shadows, but true once worn
Thy crown of Hel wields a power blood born.”

Betcha didn’t expect me to get all poetical at you, did you? I’m a man of many hidden depths. Mostly hidden in my beard, but depths none the less.

Thanks for stopping by once again, or for the first time! Join me next time when I talk about magical weapons and make stuff up about them!

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