Earl Baylon

Earl is an LA-born actor/improviser that wants desperately to be loved. Hah, not really. He'll eat all your leftovers if you're not careful. He's done it before. Tweets at @earl_baylon. Earl Baylons at earlbaylon.com. Tumblrs at Nerdoholic.

top5-mothers

***DISCLAIMER*** There be spoilers ahead, matey!

Well folks, it’s Mother’s Day! What better way to cyber-celebrate today that to review the TOP 5 FICTIONAL “MOTHERS” in RECENT HISTORY, where “recent history” is defined as my lifetime… because I like to believe that I was born in recent history. That’s not too much to ask is it? *sigh* I’m still relevant!! Well, without any further adieu, the list!

 

5. Mother Gothel (Tangled)

mother-gothel-guardNow, when I set about to type up this list, I had to decide if I was going to add villains as well. After all, isn’t a good villain just as memorable as an awesome protagonist? A few seconds of self-deliberation later, I thought “Why not?” and that’s how Mother Gothel got here. I’m not exactly sure what it was about her. Maybe it was just the overpowering sense of menace that emanated from the woman. She was resolute in her motives, and holy crap… did I buy it. Unlike other villains in the Disney universe, who often wanted to kill their victims, Gothel was doing her darnest to keep a Rapunzel prisoner, for YEARS, just so she could leech off her daughter’s magical golden locks in order to stay young and virile! I’m not an opponent of either of those adjectives.  It’s just somehow,  wanting to kill your victim seemed like the easy way to villainy. It’s almost a flash-in-the pan decision you could write up to temporary insanity if you really wanted to. Keeping someone prisoner requires a daily recommitment to ruining someones life, all for some personal gain. It’s just darn creepy. You creep me out, Mother Gothel, and that’s why your here, squarely at number 5.

 

4. Mother One (Wetworks)

mother-one-guardOh, Image comics, you were such a big part of my childhood. Every weekend I would be at Comics Unlimited, or Amazing Comics, or Dave’s Action Comics, picking up the new issue of Spawn, or Savage Dragon, or PITT, or the Maxx, or whatever Youngblood clone was out that week. Unfortunately, when you talk about Image, you also have to talk about the fact that sometimes, that book you were waiting for wasn’t going to show up at the shop on time… or ever. Enter: Wetworks, a title by one of the Image founders, Whilce Portacio, about a team of gold-symbiotically enhanced super soldiers. If the comic industry had an analogous term for vaporware, this title would have been carrying that label month in and month out. It did finally show up on the shelves, but by that time, I couldn’t keep up with the weekly buying sprees. So, I missed it, and was relegated to second-hand stories about the book and reading the back of the action figure cards at the local Target. Good thing we have Wikipedia and most things come out in trade these days. The characters had bad ass names, like Dozer, Grail, and this “Mother,” Mother One – Real name: Rachel Roads – CIA agent, cyborg, laser defense shoulder thingy. Later on, victim of vamipirism, and thus, cybernetic, symbiotically enhanced, army-wiping badass. Win.

 

3. Mother-1 (Bionic Six)

mother-1-guardBionic, Bionic Six! Ooh, ooh! We are together, we fight for right! The 1980s, the era of the awesome theme song. Duck Tales, Rescue Rangers, Jason and the Wheeled Warriors… awesome theme songs. If there’s anything I miss about the 80s, it’s the awesome TV theme song. Hmm, maybe that’s what I’ll cover next, the Bionic Six theme. Besides an awesome theme song, Bionic Six a pretty awesome cast of characters that were part of a six-member cybernetically enhanced family that averted certain earthly doom on an episodic basis. Better yet, each team member had an appropriate code name, like Sport-1, Karate-1, Mother-1… it’s kind of lazy, if you think about it. But eh, nobody ever questioned anything in the 80s. Anyway Mother-1 was another technologically enhanced badass, but instead of a gold symbiote like her Image comics name-twin, she opted for a 80s-loud skin tight jumpsuit. She was the marine biologist/telpath of the family, and could communicate with other people animals. Basically, she was Aquaman, but much more useful. Also, cartoon MILF.

 

2. Mother Brain (Metroid)

mother-brain-guardFew names illicit such a reaction from gamers as “Mother Brain.” As soon as this name is heard, images of a huge glass jar filled with a gigantic, red, horned, pulsating brain with that nasty, unblinking eye flash in the mind. Or, that large brain, attached to a huge, ugly, even more pulsating, body that was a cross between a T-Rex, a zombie, and Slender Man. Or even that large brain wearning eye shadow and lipstick. You Captain N fans know of what I speak. Created by the Chozo, Mother Brain was the leader of the Space Pirates and ultimate baddie of the original Metroid and Super Metroid. It was her evil mastermindery against which your favorite exoskeletoned femme fatale, Samus Aran, tested her mettle. I’ll never forget making my way through Super Metroid only to be faced with my old nemesis… and then to witness her “THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM” moment as she sprouted that nasty mass of blah she calls a body. I hope we get to see Mother Brain again, in whatever Metroid game comes out next, because I’m ready for some asskicking.

 

1. Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons (Game of Thrones)

daenarys-targaryan-mother-of-dragons

While technically, “Mother” isn’t in her proper name… it’s still one of her titles, and holy shit, DRAGONS! Anyone who’s been keeping up with the TV series knows what a true force Daenerys is becoming. Assuming control of the Unsullied, laying waste to Astapor, and marching on Westeros. It’s all so tittilating, especially after we had to watch her get hoodwinked and screwed over at every turn in the first two seasons. All I’m saying is that I can’t wait until Drogon and his little buddies have their draco-testicles drop. Then we’ll truly see the meaning of the House Targaryen words, “Fire and Blood.” Also… holy shit, DRAGONS!

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