Patrick Tierney

Looking like the love-child of Tom Baker and Benedict Cumberbatch, Patrick has been chasing sightings of failure for as long as he can remember. His stand-offish and quiet demeanor only punctuate his awkwardly honest sense of humor. Follow him on Twitter: @MrPatrickCakes or on Tumblr: www.scottpilgrimage.tumblr.com

It’s the end of the year and comic releases for this week were all piles of mess that dribbled from an open sore so that means:

UNVINCIBLE’S FIRST ANNUAL COMIC CROSSOVER/EVENT AWARDS

Let’s go ahead and jump into the first award.  This is for the most misnamed event of 2013.  The nominees are:

Villains Forever Evil

  • “Forever Evil” because who knew that forever only really lasted seven issues.

 

 

 

 

Superior Spider-Man

  • “Superior Spider-Man” for indicating that this series would be in any way better than previous Spider-Man even if the title was simply an indication to ego—still wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

Before Watchmen

  • “Before Watchmen” but to fault this series for simply a bad title would be too kind.  Don’t you think?

 

 

 

 

 

And the winner is “Forever Evil” and not simply because of the title mix up.  The most recent issue sets up quite the smack down between Sinestro and Power Ring which it then told me to read “Justice League” to see the bombastic smack down.  I read through the entire issue, Power Ring and Sinestro don’t show up once.  This is a series that has been using the covers to lie to me for the last four issues.  I shouldn’t be surprised when they promise the ultimate showdown and instead I get an apologetic explanation as to why the Injustice League is super cool.

The next award is for unsurpassed grievances with the time stream.  The nominees are:

UNvincible X-Men Battle of the Atom Brian Michael Bendis Frank Cho Marvel Now

  • “Battle of the Atom” because after all of the fans maligned Brian Michael Bendis for dicking around the time stream, he decided to fix the problem with more dicking.

 

 

 

 

Age of Ultron

  • “Age of Ultron” for this book traveled both forward and backward in time and all they managed to accomplish was killing a Wolverine and sending Galactus to the Ultimate universe.

 

 

 

 

 

Batman Zero Year

  • “Zero Year”: While it didn’t meddle with time travel, it still managed to make me dislike Bruce Wayne more than I already did.

 

 

 

 

And the winner is “Battle of the Atom”.  For a book celebrating the rich fifty year history of the X-Men, it sure worked hard to make Jean and Scott the worst characters in the book.  Honestly, the only time Jean threw more tantrums was when she was the Phoenix and then at least things were interesting.  Every time she complained about going back to her own time I felt an urgent need to go back to school, learn theoretical physics, invent time travel, and send her back myself.  The only thing this crossover was good for was ruining beloved characters and mucking up time for the rest of us.  Jean and Peter Parker should get together and compare notes on twisting up continuity.

The last award is for Outstanding Achievement in Making Me Give a Crap.  This goes to the series that seemed wholly uninteresting when it was announced but came in and knocked my socks off.  The nominees are:

Thunderbolts Annual

 

    • “Thunderbolts Annual” This series already started off from behind.  With the fiasco that was “Thunderbolts”, I opened the pages expecting to see photographs of bowel movements captioned with country music lyrics.  Boy was I wrong.

 

 

UNvincible constantine #3 DC Comics John Constantine Hellblazer“Constantine” and yes, I know the series got a bit watered down from its Vertigo roots.  But it still manages to convey that scumbag hero while men and woman flounce about in their tighty-whities.

 

 

 

 

Coffin Hill

  • “Coffin Hill” a surprising, out of nowhere story that looked to be farted out of “Umbrella Academy” if it had eaten an “Edward Scissor Hands” burrito.  A compelling story with dysfunctional characters that are an absolute delight to see flounder.

 

 

 

 

And the winner is “Thunderbolts Annual”.  While all of the series are excellent and superb, “Thunderbolts Annual” is the one that really pulled off the impossible.  This was a come from behind series, a series that had nothing going for it and I picked it up and I can’t stop banging on about it to all that will listen.  Imagine if Verizon sent a guy around your house and as you walked out to your car, he hit you in the back of the head with some steel rebar.  Now imagine if Verizon sent another guy and he said he’d give you a brand new smart phone if you opened the door.  It takes a very hopeful or stupid person to open that door.  While I may be a stupid person it has worked out extremely well for me.  So the moral of the story is to be more stupid.

Well that about wraps it up for 2013.  Here’s to a year full of more crossovers and crossovers and crossovers.

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