Friday June 28th, 2013
Weeksauce brings you all the news in geekery, genre fiction, and nerdy celebrities you may have missed this week while you were slaving away on the prison asteroid of Rura Penthe. With a huge heaping dose of snark and more than a little yellow journalism, Weeksauce is here to educate/patronize you and the things you love.
This one’s a two-fer: video game news and movie news all wrapped into a chimichanga of informative goodness. The “Uncharted” movie remains in the floaty Hollywood subconscious with this week’s news. Uncharted is an amazing video game series created by game studio Naughty Dog, and is widely hailed as one of the most cinematic interactive experiences out there. It’s no surprise then that Naughty Dog has been trying to cram the franchise into film projectors ever since its release.
In the latest attempt to bring the high-adventure, treasure-hunting, smart-assing game to theaters, Naughty Dog approached writer/actor/slacker-role-model Seth Rogen and his writing partner Evan Goldberg to write the screenplay. During a recent interview with video game website IGN, Rogen and Goldberg claimed that Naughty Dog had approached them multiple times to pen the script.
However, the writers of “Pineapple Express,” “Superbad,” and “This is the End,” said that they worried the film would just end up being an Indiana Jones redo, and turned it down. This from the guys who wrote a stoner comedy, a teen comedy, and an apocalypse movie. Don’t get me wrong – all those movies were great. However, it’s easy to forget that a genre isn’t a story idea – “pulp adventurer” may be a genre, but heroic lantern-jawed heroes were stealing ancient artifacts and making shoestring escapes long before Harrison Ford was even born. One of the major models for the whip-cracking archaeologist was pulp hero Allan Quartermain from the 1885 novel “King Solomon’s Mines.” That’s 1885, mind you, when there were real actual cowboys slinging real actual guns on real actual horses.
Anyway, Uncharted is probably better than most movies, and while it would be nice to see Nathan Drake saying “crap!” and leaping off a moving train in realtime, it’s just another chance for Hollywood to badly botch a great thing.
Cut Lex Luthor a Check
Speaking of things that aren’t going to happen: Smallville’s Michael Rosenbaum, who played a terrific Lex Luthor on the long-running CW show, has tossed his bald cap in the ring to play Lex Luthor in the already-certain “Man of Steel” sequel. Whilst tweeting, Michael Rosenbaum said this about the fan-idea of “Breaking Bad’s” Bryan Cranston playing the Metropolis Menace: “Can the Superman fans out there spread the word that there’s really no other choice.Let Cranston stick to meth. Thanks.”
Michael Rosenbaum knocked Lex out of the park – when I heard Lex Luthor was going to be on Smallville (before the show aired), I pretty much wrote the show off as a loss. “Lex Luthor and Superboy” on the WB? Blarghhhh with a capitol “DUUUMB.” I wasn’t very articulate back then. Anyway. Rosenbaum won me over like a carnival teddy bear with his portrayal of the bald-headed corporate menace of Clark Kent – he could play sardonic, terrifying, hurt, and most importantly, human. Lex always seemed like a character you wanted to be redeemed, and that’s a great thing for any villain.
However, given how far Zack Snyder and Co are going to distance this new franchise from previous installments, the likelihood of Rosenbaum getting the role is low. They’re going to go with a big star, and sad to say Rosenbaum ain’t it. He’d definitely be top of my list though, and if I had a hojillion dollars I’d definitely make it happen. Well, that and I’d buy a private island and a yacht called “The Millenium Serenterprise Galactica.”
Who Would Win in a Fight?
There’s a live-action video of Deadpool and Batman in an epic battle over Catwoman’s cleavage, and if there’s a more awesome sentence than that one I can’t imagine it. You can check it out right here, and it’s made by the people over at Machinima who did the “Gambit Versus Deadpool” and “Superman Versus Thor” fights. The production value is surprisingly high for an internet video, and the writing and acting ain’t bad either.
The video also shows ANOTHER live-action Batsuit that’s better than the suits used in the actual movies. It’s stopped being funny at this point, and now it’s just sad that web videos, Batman pornos, and student film projects have all produced more badass and comic-true bat-costumes than all the big Hollywood productions combined. Say it with me, Hollywood costume designers: “Batman wears grey.” Always. Grey. Forever. Even when he had a blue cape-and-cowl, his costume was grey.
Anyway, check out the video for lots of bombs and bat-punching and Deadpool and that Catwoman thing I mentioned earlier.
Here’s some stupid Spider-Man news about the Superior Spider-Man or whatever. It’s stupid and I’ll have nothing to do with it. Doc Ock is in Peter’s body and Peter is dead and I don’t care about any of this. Feel free to check out this article if you do, it’s about the new Evil Spider-Man and how great it is that he’s evil. Anyway. Moving on.
Researchers at Newcastle University in Britain have created a new procedure that uses healthy donor DNA to prevent mothers from passing on certain harmful genetic diseases to their children. The process targets faulty mitochondria (the cell’s power plants) which are responsible for diseases that effect energy-intensive organs like the heart, lungs, and kidneys.
Over 6,000 people a year are born with mitochondrial disorders. The researchers responsible are trying to push the radical procedure through Parliament, but the shit can take a LONG time. Politicians being known, primarily, for their speed. The process would also make super-babies who have DNA from three different people, meaning our dreams of eye-laser shooting mutants is just around the corner.
Don’t mess it up for us, Britian. Actually there probably wouldn’t be any eye-laser babies. Unfortunately. Check out this article for the full non-smartass scoop.
Republic Credits Will Do Fine
So in a move to make the galaxy cooler (YAAAAAY), PayPal has teamed up with astronaut Buzz Aldrin and alien-searchers SETI to develop an intergalactic currency for a cashless future. I’m sorry, I was wrong about that Catwoman cleavage sentence earlier – THAT is the coolest sentence ever. They’re calling it PayPal Galactic, and it’s designed to offer solutions to problems most of us haven’t thought of yet.
How do taxes work in space? What country are you in? What currency are you using? And the most important question: Is Alpha Centauri duty-free? How cheap is my Johnny Walker Titanium going to be? How much will it cost to stock up my space freighter with space-hooch? These are the questions.
With the rise of space-tourism that companies like Virgin Galactic are trying to stir up, these questions are only going to become more prominent as the sci-fi future engulfs us. Missions to Mars are on the books in a half-dozen countries now, and the very real possibility of colonization is in the future for our children or grandchildren (God-willing). It may seem silly, but PayPal was smart to make the first move – it’s always the first one through the door that takes the bullets, sure, but the rewards can be . . . shall I say . . . astronomical?
Ahahahaha! It stings, doesn’t it?!