Yesterday I sat and took a gander at Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters with fellow Agents Denise and Patrick. Denise and I have devoured the entire series that this second movie is based on. This series is referred to as the Percy Jackson and The Olympians series, written by Rick Riordan, and its safe to say the first movie, Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief, was underwhelming.
Not only underwhelming, but straight up irresponsible, as well. Huge plot points were left out. Gaping plot holes you could fly a Pegasus through were prancing about the whole movie. Characters after characters were never introduced, and not a mention of a special tree was even alluded to.
So its no small feat that the second movie cleared up, caught up, and cranked up my entire Percy Jackson film experience. I still have a few problems that I hope can be figured out until the next movie. Yeah, I’m hoping there is a next movie, and its not an impossible dream for The Titan’s Curse to come out since I NEVER THOUGHT SEA OF MONSTERS WAS GOING TO GET MADE.
Anyways, that was my very, very, very, very, short review of the movie. Now?
THE TOP FIVE MOST DICKISH THINGS THE GREEK GODS HAVE EVER DONE
05. If you don’t like spiders, then blame Athena.
There was a weaver named Arachne who was so good at weaving tapestries that she said she was as good as, if not better than, Athena. The goddess wasn’t having any of that and challenged her to a weaving contest… ATHENA LOST. So she ups and turns Arachne into a spider! DA FUG?!
04. Hera killed a woman’s children and made the lady watch.
Lamia, a woman that Zeus was having on the side, loved her children, as mothers often do. So Hera was in such a bad mood with Zeus that she killed Lamia’s children, turned her into a monster, and made it so Lamia could never close her eyes… so she would always see the image of her murdered children. Hera… you have problems.
03. Yeah, sure, I’ll make you Immortal *giggle*
This one dude named Tithonus was dating a goddess/titan named Eos. Eos, thinking long term commitment, asked Zeus to make Tithonus immortal. Zeus agrees, and you’d think that would be it. NOPE. Turns out Zeus was feeling dickish and lazy and made it so Tithonus had immortality… but not eternal youth. Tithonus turns into a friggin’ grasshopper, Eos is like “WTF?!”, and Zeus is putting on his sunglasses and spouts out some half-assed fable that’s boils down to “Deal With It.” GODS DAMMIT, ZEUS.
02. Its your fault for being hot.
Medusa was originally a priestess for Athena. Poseidon decided sex was on the menu, even though Medusa was not interested. Athena caught Poseidon in act of raping Medusa… and TURNED MEDUSA INTO THE MONSTER WITH SNAKE HAIR. What in the WHAT?!
01. Zeus, The God of Unfaithfulness.
Seriously, all the worst things happened to mortals because Zeus could not keep it in his toga. He constantly cheated on his wife Hera, who would in turn do terrible things to the women, and then he would be let the terrible things happen. Barely trying, if at all, to help protect not just the women, but his own children. And Zeus would go to ridiculous lengths to either trick, charm, or threaten these women into bed. Shape shifting, disguises, BEING THE KING OF ALL GODS. Who can say no to him? Zeus was the worst.
LUKE WAS RIGHT.