(All images belong to Marvel Comics)
Yes. A lot of time has passed. But as much as awkwardly trying to catch up is tempting, how about I talk about Thor instead?
Thor Odinson is back as… The Mighty Thor! And four issues have already passed, with Jason Aaron continuing his writing duties, but with Mike Del Mundo taking over as artist. I have loved each artist that has teamed up with Aaron, from Esad Ribic to Russell Dauterman. Del Mundo does not disappoint, I tell you what.
Anyways, time to talk about the thing that I started obsessing over as soon as I heard about it: Thor is no longer wielding Mjolnir!
What in the Hel? (Yeah, that one “L” is on purpose. It’s a whole theme).
Without spoiling anything, all I can tell you is that Mjolnir is indisposed for the time being, which leaves Thor without a hammer. Which is like Captain America without a shield. Like Santa Clause without his sleigh. Like an analogy without a payoff. It feels wrong!
So Thor, being Thor, asks his dwarf friends in Nidavellir to forge him some hammers… No, a lot of hammers… Scratch that, a world serpent’s ass-load of hammers! (Wait, do snakes have asses that configure to the standard metric ass system of measurement?)
So our Thunder boy has an ever growing arsenal of hammers, mallets, clubs, maces, and various bludgeoning weapons at his beck and call.
But why so many weapons, you may ask? Because Mjolnir is special. Rare. Unique. Impossible to replace.** And the kind of enemies that Thor needs to smite on a daily basis scoffs at any bashing that is less than Mjolnir-made.
In fact, the very first issue of this new run has Thor possibly use and destroy twenty to thirty new hammers made for him by Screwbeard the Dwarf (gotta dig that name). That’s a lot of collateral damage for just regular weapons, now keep in mind that most of these were probably forged of uru metal, and enchanted by Odin himself.
Uru. U-R-U. The same incredibly rare, magical metal that Mjolnir was made of. Asgardians have been using the stuff for centuries to make their weapons and armor, and possibly their silverware and huge beer steins for all we know. Plus, Thor is a fan of flying, and needs Papa Odin’s enchantments to get those extra perks. Probably has to forgo adding air conditioning and anti-lock brakes with the rush order that Thor has put in.
And thus we have arrived to my obsession: More Hammers. Oh yes, I am very much about this. Don’t get me wrong. Mjolnir (or “Meow Meow” as I affectionately refer to it thanks to Kat Dennings), will always be number one in my heart. It’s my true Uru boo. Love you, love you, you know I do. See? I made a little ditty to signify my love. That’s the real deal.
What I’m saying is… why not explore the wonderful world of magic Asgardian armaments? Mjolnir is an excellent Rainbow Bridge to old and new exciting WMD’s. But the cool news is that these babies fit in your hand, and have cool names. So in the spirit of that, let’s get to know these hammers! Especially the poor broken toys that Thor has already forgotten, but that I, being the obsessive geek that I am, will never stop loving.
Keep in mind, I’m naming some of these weapons myself and giving an entirely MADE UP backstory for all of them, except where otherwise stated. First up is the very hammer-that-couldn’t that began it all.
Ouch. Not a very good first showing for yourself, Screwbeard. You done made a MjolNOPE.
Name of Hammer: “Juggernot”
Cause of Destruction: Juggernaut’s helmeted head.
Story: “Uru is rare. So rare, that sometimes, you just use… other stuff. You know, mixed in? Some iron. Maybe some rocks just lying around. Old bread. What have you… Screwbeard knew that this hammer would go down in history. And it did. It went down. Not much else to say. At least you tried, Juggernot.”
This hammer. Knocked. Out. Juggernaut. What? Looks like there’s some magic left in those dwarven hands!
Name of Hammer: “Hulk Smiter”
Cause of Destruction: Probably getting smited back to hard by Juggernaut.
Story: “Big threats need big smashing. Moldcrust, Screwbeard’s apprentice (among many), knew this. Took it to heart. He spent extra time every night to make his hammer truly special. He etched ornate carvings into his creation, going so far as to cleverly hide his initials into the very weapon itself. He even used most of his personal stash of uru shavings to make a true marvel of a hammer. A warrior’s birthright. Fit for the proud hands of the God of Thunder. He fervently imagined this mallet bashing in the head of the green beast of Midgard, and then Thor would appoint Moldcrust as his personal armorer. And finally, all the Realms would see his brilliance!”
Name of Hammer: “Imperious Wreck”
Cause of Destruction: (To Be Revealed in next blog)
Story: “Gold uru. A beautiful metal for such an ugly end goal. This ore is even more rare than standard uru, only surpassed in rarity by black uru. Stormbreaker, the revered weapon of Beta Ray Bill, is of the purest gold. It is said to be a metal that drinks in the Odinforce with staggering ease. Making wielding the potent magics and enchantments cast upon it seem as natural as breathing. So it is with a hesitant and heavy heart that we must explain that Imperious Wreck could only be gold uru… plated. But if you think there is no power in that hammer, all you need do is ask Namor the Sub-Mariner how it felt to be battered with it. We are confident that he could not tell the difference.”
And there we go! The first blog is complete. My obsession is temporarily stymied. And some hammers got named and were given backstories… well, back “snippits,” at least. Join me next time with my thoughts on issue #2 of Thor, and the fate of Imperious Wreck!
**Well, okay, maybe not that irreplaceable.